The past few weeks, last week especially, have been very difficult. My grandfather was sent to the hospital a few weeks ago with a partially collapsed lung. He was in for two weeks before they finally sent him home. Except that it was too soon. Less than 48 hours later my aunt was calling 911 because he couldn't breath, this time his lung had fully collapsed. I can't go into the rest of the details, because thinking about it sends me to tears, but we almost lost him, more than once.
A week before all of this I had purchased a plane ticket to see my family in the following month. It was everything I had to either not change the ticket, or at one point I was seconds away from buying a Greyhound (and I HATE Greyhound) ticket to leave at 4:00 in the morning. I would have only been there for 9 hours or so, but wasn't about to care. I luckily talked myself out of it.
Being away from my family in a time like this was one of the worst feelings I have ever had in my life. What's worse is that for days I almost felt numb. I work at a cupcake shop, so I had to be extra happy and cheerful, when all I wanted to do was crawl into my bed, or run to Nevada as fast as I could. One day I was just too angry about the whole situation, so I repeatedly threw a rubber duck at my bathroom wall and cried. No amount of talking about it made me feel better. I wanted him to get better, and I wanted nothing more than hug my grandmother, aunt and cousins.
But an amazing revelation came out of this for me. I love my family, and they are an part of me.
I know you're thinking "well yeah, of course you do. Everyone loves at least some part of their family," and yes that is true. Most people have either blood family or friend they consider family, and yes I have never not loved my family. But let me explain.
For a few years now, I have been struggling with the relationships in my family. Mostly in the family I grew up with. We have a bit of a complicated history, and sometimes I think it skews my view of my family. They are all wonderful people with hearts of gold. My parents raised me with kindness and compassion, while also coming down on us when needed. My siblings while both very different, are very similar in how they treat their friends, and their family. They would do anything, for any one of them. My brother and I are the more outgoing ones and have always been able to easily make friends. My sister while shy, is still immediately loved by so many people. We all fought like crazy as kids, but when push came to shove we loved each other, because there were times when it when it felt like it was just the five of us, and that was all we had. Each other, and our bajillion animals. Now when I'm separated from them, I feel like so much is missing. As I have told both my aunt and grandfather this past week, it's like a piece of my heart just isn't there, something is always missing.
My Nevada family is just as important to me, and while I have only known them for a few years, almost five exactly, when I'm away from them it hurts just as much as when I'm away from my parents and siblings. I am always trying to figure out when the next time I will see my family is. Always.
Now I don't say all of this out of sadness. I say this out of a pure joy that I can say comfortably, that my family does and always will have a big part of my heart. I have tried to deny that part of myself for a very long time. I have tried to convince myself that I was almost a loner (with the exception of the boy). While I love my family and love seeing them, I was convinced I didn't need to make those trips as often as I do. Each member of my family has a part in what has made me the person that I am today, so in that sense they are part of me. In my perfect world my whole family would live in Nevada (Yes Nevada because I don't like Pennsylvania) and I could see them all easily and at the same time. Be quiet, a girl can dream.
The boy is the only person in this world who can make me feel better about missing family. I truly believe that is because the two of us have started our family. To be clear our TWO person family, there are no babies on the way, unless you count guinea pigs. We have begun to form our own family bond and I can't imagine not having him by my side through everything, or me being by his side. I can't wait for our family to grow, even if it's just animals for now.
I know that many people are not as fortunate as I am in this way. While the two major pieces of my family have never met, they are so similar in how they treat people. With never wavering, kindness and love. I am more than happy to say that I grew from that. We may not always agree with each others decisions but the love and support is always there.
Go hug your family. Whether they be friends you call family, or your blood, you need them more than you realize. And ya know something? That's okay. God gave us families for a reason.
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